Suicide Squeeze: An Existential Crisis At Third Base Read online

SUICIDE SQUEEZE:

  an existential crisis at third base

  By Richard Grossman

  __________________________________

  A Ten Minute Play in One Act

  Cast of Characters

  Radio Announcer 1: Man in his 50’s

  Radio Announcer 2: Man in his 50’s

  Third Base Umpire: Man in his 60’s

  Johnny Banner: 39-year-old Red Sox first-baseman

  Jim Craig: 50-year-old manager of the Red Sox

  Tim Roberts: 27-year-old Orioles third-baseman

  Edie Banner: Johnny’s 77-year-old mother

  Mike Banner: Johnny’s 79-year-old father

  SETTING: Third base at a major league baseball stadium

  TIME: Present

  AT RISE: Third-baseman Roberts is playing off the bag waiting for the pitch. Third Base Umpire is standing behind the bag. Radio announcers are offstage and remain offstage.

  RADIO ANNOUNCER 1

  OK, here we go. One out nobody on, bottom of the ninth, score tied 2-2, last game in what has turned out to be, unfortunately, a rather mediocre season. And Johnny Banner steps up to the plate.

  RADIO ANNOUNCER 2

  And this is Johnny Banner’s last game in a career that has lasted 14 years.

  RADIO ANNOUNCER 1

  And maybe his last major league at bat.

  RADIO ANNOUNCER 2

  I can only imagine what’s going through his head.

  RADIO ANNOUNCER 1

  I can tell you what’s going through his head! I’m gonna hit that ball, and hit it hard! The same thought that’s been going through his head for 14 years.

  RADIO ANNOUNCER 2

  (laughs)

  I’m sure you’re right. He’s had, as they say, a Banner career! Perhaps not a Hall of Famer, but still he’s made a difference, a good, solid player. A serious guy, who, you could tell, always played his heart out. Left everything on the diamond.

  RADIO ANNOUNCER 1

  Here’s the pitch. Banner hits a long fly ball to right center field. Eastling goes back, back, back, but it goes over his head and caroms off the wall. Eastling chases it down, but Banner is on his way to third. It’s gonna be a close play. Here’s the throw…

  (Johnny Banner runs from offstage to bag and slides, baseball is thrown to Roberts from offstage. After slide, Banner just lays there)

  RADIO ANNOUNCER 1 (CONT’D)

  Banner slides, and he’s…safe! He just beat the tag by third baseman, Tim Roberts.

  THIRD BASE UMPIRE

  Time!

  (to Johnny Banner)

  Are you OK?

  JOHNNY BANNER

  (to umpire)

  Give me a minute.

  RADIO ANNOUNCER 1

  Time is called as Banner pulls himself together. When you said he left everything on the diamond, of course you meant the philosophy, too.

  RADIO ANNOUNCER 2

  Johnny Banner, the philosopher first baseman! Yeah, he has…had…quite a reputation at first base. He would tell runners: “You realize, of course, we’re playing an absurd game. I mean, does it really matter, cosmically speaking, whether or not you get to second base.”

  RADIO ANNOUNCER 1

  The runners claimed he was just trying to distract them.

  RADIO ANNOUNCER 2

  (laughs)

  Or undermine their motivation. Here comes manager Craig to check on him.

  (Jim Craig enters)

  JIM CRAIG

  (to Johnny Banner)

  Is it the knee again?

  JOHNNY BANNER

  No, it’s not the knee! Tell me something. What’s next?

  JIM CRAIG

  What do you mean what’s next?

  JOHNNY BANNER

  After baseball. What’s next?

  TIM ROBERTS

  (laughs)

  Jesus Christ!

  JIM CRAIG

  (irritated)

  What kind of question is that? Look, there are 30,000 people staring at us. Are you hurt or not? I’ll tell you what’s next. You see home plate. Right over there. That’s what’s next. Look! Do you think you can get your ass to home plate if Groves puts the ball in play. ‘Cause if you can’t, I’ll put in someone to run for you. Who do you think I am, your psychiatrist?

  (exits)

  RADIO ANNOUNCER 1

  Must be the knee. Banner had arthroscopic surgery two years ago.

  RADIO ANNOUNCER 2

  Craig is going back to the dugout, so apparently Banner’s OK. That’s a relief. I would hate to see him get hurt on his last career at bat.

  JOHNNY BANNER

  (slowly rises, to Tim Roberts)

  You know why he can’t tell me what’s next? Because there is nothing next! Everyone knows what baseball players do after they retire! Drink, gamble, and fly to Las Vegas conventions to sign baseball cards. What’s the point in that?